Our Deepest Fears

 

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

 by Marianne Williamson

This is one of my favorite quotes of all time!! Growing up I have to admit, I was not the same person I am today.  I grew up shy and introverted to an extreme of almost isolating myself from the world.  I did not have many friends other than some guys who really mostly tolerated me because I could throw and catch and play sports better than some of them.  I was so scared of being rejected that because of this fear, I didn't put myself out to be hurt.  Which in turn did isolate me and I was rejected because of that.  I was often teased and almost every week I would find a new note on my desk saying something absolutely dreadful about me.

 In fact, all of the teasing got so bad, that I ended up getting stomach and intestinal issues that I now have to deal with today.  I spent the first semester up until Spring break of my fourth grade year in bed crying from physical and emotional pain, asking God why he let these girls be so mean!  I had numerous doctors visits and shots and blood taken.  They finally said that I have diverticulitis, spastic colon, and stomach convulsions.  Alot of it was probably from stress and genetics they said.  So, they suggested I try a new school.

So my mother, the always outgoing party lover, was STILL constantly barraging me to go put myself out there, make friends, be out going.  Especially at this new school.  But, it seemed to me that she didn't understand me at all! I mean HELLO?! I was hardly talking to people that I had grown up my entire life with! How did she expect me to actually go out and talk to people outside of that context?! I am not the kind of girl who can do that very easily!! What I did not realize was that she saw a part of me at that time that I couldn't see.  She saw that I was smart, sweet, kind, and had a deep love for God.  I saw myself as little, dumb, a teachers pet, and a loner girl because that is what the girls labeled me as.  As the quote above says, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?" What my mom saw was what comes next, was a child of God.  Made in the image of the Creator and lovingly crafted by that same man.  She knew that I was meant for greater things than just sitting in my bed reading stories of tales of old or of fairy tales so far away from my own worries.

But! There is another part of this story yet to be told.  The day before Spring Break, I tried a new school.  This was a private, liberal arts school in my town that apparently was fantastic. I went and tried it out. I was still having MASSIVE stomach pains but my mom coaxed me out of bed to go try this school.  So, I went! I was still very shy but the people around me didn't call me names. In fact, they all commented on how they loved to talk to me and hang out later! In my mind I was like, "Say What?!" So, as I was getting ready to go outside for recess, I looked around as we were lining up and saw that there were two boys staying with a big box of legos and clay. In my mind I was just thinking, "All right. Who the heck stays in from recess?!" So, I go over to them and ask them what they are doing.  They say they are making movies.  Specifically Stop animation movies with legos and clay.  The follow up question by them was, "Would you like to join us?" And as you can guess, the rest is History.  :)




"We are all worms. But I believe that I am a glow-worm." -Winston Churchill