Beautiful and Lethal

So...I'll admit this blog is more of a time for me to express what's going on in my mind than anything about class.... But right now I can't come up with anything coherent that will satisfy me. For the most part, I'm pretty tired of thinking. I'm tired of being a good reader and figuring out what is good and what is worthy of praise in a movie, verses what deserves to be criticized and doubted. All of this has worn me out to the point of being relatively apathetic to watching the art that is out there. I think I've come to a point where (and Leeper might cringe at this, but whatever) I'd rather be entertained than think critically about a movie. The reason for this is not really crystal clear, but I think I have a pretty good idea of why...

I have been so attracted to the beautiful things in art to the degree that now I can't watch a wonderful, beautiful, well-made film without feeling like I am dead. I feel that, though the rivers flowing with wine remind me that they actually flow with water, I cannot go back to water without dying to the part of me that wishes they were wine. The beauty of art kills me, because there is no fulfillment in this life of what I long for when I am presented with the fairy tale. Yes, this world is beautiful, and yes there are things that we can experience that will take us almost to another world. But that's as far as they take you. At the end of the day, you're still stuck here. You're still stuck in the incomplete; the temporary pain that seems to go on for an eternity. One of the most powerful questions that I have not yet been able to find a satisfying answer to is this: What meaning is there here that makes this life worth it in light of the fact that when we die, heaven will be bliss? Is there really no other motivator to keep living other than the fact that heaven awaits you when it's all over? That seems like an awfully foolish argument to me.... one that is extremely inadequate at inspiring endurance.

Now don't worry, I'm not saying that I'm contemplating suicide or anything, but I am challenging the claim that this portrayal of otherworldly beauty is completely good and harmless. People are really good at enjoying things... and I think that when you show them heaven, you should be prepared to give them a satisfying answer when they ask you why it is that suicide is so frowned upon. After all, death is the only barrier to bliss, provided Jesus has saved your soul. And another thing that I must discuss is this talk of how, once Jesus is in your life, you will just want to do everything in your power to praise Him and how life is suddenly worth it and you can suddenly do things with purpose. Frankly, I must disagree. I have Jesus in my life, and life is actually more difficult to live now that I know what I'm really made for, and how that is not going to be given to me until the day I die. For me, this earthly life is, in essence, purgatory. So please don't go around claiming that I should be so full of joy and life because Jesus has saved me, and I darn well should be giving Him my all if I can claim to be a Christian. All that that does is fill me with (a) anger at the fact that I am the way I am, (b) guilt for not being what grace should have made me, and (c) hopelessness in light of the circumstances. God is much bigger than my limitations, and I trust that He knows me and is able to guide me in the path He has planned for me.

Ok....that was a bit of a rant, but I needed to get that out there. I think my main point is that being a Christian artist is more painful than you might think, especially if you do it right. Your calling is to show the world yourself and your feelings and everything in light of the fact that God is the one doing the real magic. Being caught up in that tension is painful... but I think it's the only thing that can really communicate the Gospel in the most raw, personal way known to man. And that, I guess, makes it worth it.